


I'd like to be my old self again (but I'm still trying to find it)

by HeartshapedMusicBox



Series: Stand by you forever - a one shot collection [5]
Category: Karlie Kloss - Fandom, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: F/F, Head Injury, Sometimes real life is great inspiration, Stalking, Trials, kaylor - Freeform, not that any of this actually happened but you guys can thank the TS trial for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 10:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11849916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartshapedMusicBox/pseuds/HeartshapedMusicBox
Summary: It’s all due to that cursed trial, or rather the events that made it necessary. Sometimes she doesn’t remember: it just comes back in flashes, little glimpses of a prior life that trickle away as soon as she tries to grasp them.A continuation of best thing that's ever been mine.





	I'd like to be my old self again (but I'm still trying to find it)

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot is actually connected to my main fic, best thing that's ever been mine. It follows something I added as a plot point in the later chapters and then never got back to it in the actual story, and takes place approximately 7-8 months after the final chapter of part 1. 
> 
> If you haven't read the main fic, you can still read this! It works as a stand-alone story as well.
> 
> Enjoy!

“…the jury in the Haines case has started deliberations after the defense had their closing arguments this morning. What kind of punitive action will be taken against Ms. Haines remains to be seen, but it has been an interesting trial so far. If you have been following this news broadcast, you should already know that Ms. Haines is on trial for stalking supermodel Karlie Kloss…”

The sudden silence rings hollowly in Karlie’s ears as she lowers her left hand to put the remote down on the blanket next to her. She’s heard enough of this over the past four months, but no matter how badly she wants to put it all behind her, they keep dragging it back up with this trial.

She reaches out her left hand and places it on the white fur of the cat lying next to her. She knows this cat, the soft fur, and the kind but dull eyes, but its name eludes her. Things sometimes do these days. It’s getting better, doesn’t happen so often anymore. They always come back eventually. 

It’s all due to that cursed trial, or rather the events that made it necessary. Sometimes she doesn’t remember: it just comes back in flashes, little glimpses of a prior life that trickle away as soon as she tries to grasp them. 

The cat -Olivia, she suddenly remembers- moves her little paws and stretches them towards Karlie. It’s almost like she’s asking for a scratch behind her ears, and Karlie obliges before she brings her hand up to scratch her own head. The crescent-shaped scar on her scalp itches and with one shoulder immobilized along with stiffness in her neck, the task of scratching it always involves some awkward positions. 

Her itch satisfied, she lies back in bed and closes her eyes. It’s always a gamble these days, because she never knows if closing her eyes will bring the bad memories back. Almost immediately Jane Haines’ face stares back at her and Karlie’s heart starts racing. Jane Haines, at first nothing but a random girl on the street in front of her house a year ago, now her worst and continuing nightmare. 

She opens her eyes again but the cascade of memories from that night is already in motion, making her relive that moment of utter fear once again: Letting herself into her friend's apartment ahead of their night in, trying to fit the key into the lock while trying not to drop her purse or her bags of groceries, expecting what should have been an empty apartment for at least another hour, only to be met by an empty face and cold, piercing eyes, the confusion and the uncertainty running through her mind as they stood there watching each other for what seemed like an eternity, the quiet backwards shuffling that happened without conscious thought as the fight or flight response kicked in, and the sudden freefall backwards down the stairs, only interrupted by the sharp yanking of her bad arm as one of the bags of groceries she was holding caught on something, snapping her bad shoulder moments before the back of her head hit the metal-clad edge of a concrete step, casting the world into darkness for weeks. 

The memories make her head spin and for a moment she feels nauseous. Olivia purrs softly next to her and Karlie focuses on it, anchoring herself to the steady sound, breathing in and out to the count of seven until her heart has slowed back down. If only the ringing in her ears could stop. 

Another consequence of landing head first in a concrete stairwell.

Across the room, the door opens slowly and a tall blonde walks in with a tray in her hands. Taylor, the one Karlie has always remembered, never forgotten, not even once. She walks in so quietly the cat on the bed doesn’t even bat an eyelid, seemingly oblivious to any kind of motion in the room. Not even when Taylor puts down the tray next to the bed does the cat make any sort of indication that she knows her owner just walked in. 

Karlie, on the other hand, can’t help but smile. “Hi,” she whispers hoarsely and reaches out her hand, looking for comfort. She gets it immediately, Taylor’s fingers intertwining with Karlie’s as Taylor leans in to kiss Karlie gently on the mouth.

“Hi, my sunshine,” Taylor coos softly. “Your mom was just on the phone. She watched the news and wanted to know how you are.”

“You can tell her I’m…” Karlie says slowly, her voice trailing off. Her brow creases as she strains to find the word she just had in her mind, but it has vanished into thin air without leaving anything more than a trace of its existence. Sighing, she just points to the TV.

Taylor glances towards the black screen of the TV with a puzzled look on her face, but when her eyes are back on Karlie, they are kind and gentle. “Oh, were you watching as well?”

“Yes. It made me feel… something.”

“Stressed? Upset? Scared? Frustrated? Annoyed?” Taylor fires off the words quickly, but there’s always this gentle patience in her voice. She’s never given up on Karlie, not even once. 

“Yes,” Karlie says, “scared. But also frustrated.” She looks at Taylor pleadingly. “I can’t sleep. I always see… and the buzzing in my head. It won’t stop. Make it stop?”

“I’ll get you something. Does your shoulder hurt too?”

“No,” Karlie shakes her head gently, “it’s just uncomfortable. I’m tired of this. All of this.” She stares at her arm lying limply in a sling across her chest. She only had surgery on her shoulder a week ago, the doctors belatedly trying to salvage some function after nearly four months of it not healing as it should. It will be weeks until she knows the result. She brushes it off, pretending not to care about it. Besides, this brain thing is worse with the constant forgetfulness, the disappearing thoughts, labels, words. 

But that, too, fades. 

Before she knows it, Taylor hands her a pill. “To make you feel better,” she says kindly, and Karlie takes it, gulping it down with a glass of water. 

“Can you hold me until I fall asleep?” Karlie asks, and Taylor obliges. She crawls into bed, carefully moving a sleeping Olivia further down the bed, and wraps her arms carefully around Karlie. 

Relaxing in Taylor’s embrace, Karlie allows herself to close her eyes, letting herself slip away. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles but when Taylor asks what for, she’s so heavy with sleep she goes out like a light before she can answer.

***

“I’m sorry.”

The words play over and over in Taylor’s mind as she strokes her hand lovingly across Karlie’s head. She fell asleep before she could tell her what she meant by them, but Taylor knows what Karlie’s sorry for: for being a burden, for needing care, but most of all for being the cause of a postponed wedding. 

She also knows Karlie knows she doesn’t mind any of those things. Karlie could never be a burden, and the wedding doesn’t even matter right now. All Taylor wants is to be with the most beautiful and amazing woman on the planet, her sunshine, even if the sunshine is hidden behind dark and rainy clouds these days.

Karlie mumbles in her sleep and curls up, inching herself closer to Taylor. Taylor just watches her sleep in silence, noticing how the lines on her face smooth themselves out more the deeper she sleeps. She looks peaceful. It’s such a change from the way she looked when Taylor got to see her for the first time after surgery. That look on Karlie’s face, the one she had that first afternoon she woke up after the attack, is forever burned into Taylor’s mind. It wasn’t so much the way she _looked_ , with a third of her hair shaved off, swollen bruises on one side of her face, bloodshot and frightened eyes, as much as it was her demeanor. First she was at ease, clearly recognizing Taylor the moment her green eyes met Taylor’s blue, but the ease was quickly replaced as she tried speaking and the only thing that would come out were incomprehensible sounds, bringing panic and chaos into their world. Her fingers curled on the sheets, the first sign of the panic that soon coursed through her body like a tsunami, eventually making her thrash about with such force it knocked her out for another 24 hours once they finally got her calmed down. It had been heartbreaking to watch.

It is a lot less heartbreaking to watch her now, quiet and peaceful, with no more bruises to tell a story. Soon it will all be over, with the trial in its final stages and Karlie’s brain on the mend, even if brains heal slowly. But with the way things have been going, a sense of normalcy is coming for them with a full recovery expected by the end of the year. 

***

Due to the nature of her injuries, Karlie has been excused from court since the trial started, but on the day of the verdict she wants to attend. 

She sits quietly next to Taylor, holding her hand under the table, trying to keep it together. Just being in that room, with the bright lights and the constant noises around her, is overwhelming for an injured brain and Karlie finds herself zoning out with her eyes closed for minutes at a time. It’s not until Taylor gently nudges her that she realizes how quiet the room suddenly is. 

Taylor’s soft hand brushes up against Karlie’s cheek for a brief moment before it settles on her good shoulder. “Are you okay to stay for this?” she asks quietly and looks around before settling her gaze back on Karlie again.

Karlie can already feel the entire room looking at them. There is silence around them and when her eyes dart around the room, she can see that both lawyers, the judge and the entire jury are waiting for her to respond. There will be no point trying to find any words to reply with; they are all sucked into a confusing vortex right now and the last thing she wants is for the entire room to take pity on the 25-year old who can’t speak properly. Instead she nods to Taylor and whispers the word ‘yes’, smiling bravely, even though she’s feeling anything but brave.

While the judge reads the verdict, “guilty on all counts”, Karlie dares to glance over at Jane. She looks smaller than she remembers, worn down and frightened, and for a moment Karlie feels sorry for her. It’s odd to realize this is the girl who has haunted her almost every night for four months. It fascinates her, draws her in until she can barely keep her eyes off the girl. 

“For damages, $1M is granted to Ms. Kloss to be paid in full...”  
The color drains out of Jane’s face.  
“The court further orders Ms. Haines four years without parole…”  
Jane’s mouth falls open.  
“… with one additional year in a psychiatric facility, to be completed prior to the remaining four years of your sentence.”

They take her away quickly, the girl walking willingly in between two burly men in uniform. For a brief moment she looks over at Karlie and their eyes meet, but this time it’s not the eyes that haunt her dreams that meet her. The eyes that meet her now are pleading, ashamed. “I’m sorry,” Jane mouths and before Karlie can fully process it, she has vanished through the doors at the end of the courtroom.

***

It’s a day in early February when Karlie decides it’s time to move on. Words no longer elude her, her shoulder only hurts occasionally, and the majority of the nightmares have stopped. She’s almost done healing, there’s only one more thing she has to do: she has to go on a very specific trip.

Taylor joins her for the two-hour car ride upstate. She doesn’t understand this specific need Karlie has, but other than briefly conveying her skepticism prior to the trip, she doesn’t mention anything about it until the moment the car has stopped right in front of their destination. “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” she asks, looking concerned.

Karlie sighs and picks up Taylor’s hand. “Yes,” she answers stubbornly, “I don’t just want to do this, I _need_ to do this. I need the closure, Tay, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who does.”

“Can you at least take Jeff with you? I just got you back; I don’t want you to get hurt again.” 

“No,” Karlie says and shakes her head. “He can follow me to the door if he has to, but inside those doors there are other people who will protect me.” When Taylor continues staring at her pleadingly, Karlie chuckles lightly. “I will be okay, I promise.” Before Taylor can object again, Karlie opens the door and steps out of the car.

Karlie’s heart is in her throat as she walks down a sterile corridor alongside two guards. Up until this point she hadn’t been fazed by her decision at all, but right now, with locked doors all around her and no clear escape route, she’s starting to feel nervous. The guards unlock doors in front of her and lock them behind her as they move further into the building until they finally reach an open area. Eventually the guards lead her towards a smaller room just off to the side of the open foyer. “She’s in here,” they say as they unlock the door and Karlie takes a few nervous steps inside the little room. 

Jane is sitting on a couch by a window, drawing in a sketchbook. She looks up just as the door closes behind them and her eyes widen when she sees Karlie standing there. For a few moments they just stare at each other. Karlie feels foolish but her anxiety has died down. Jane is wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt – there is nothing scary about her.

“What are you doing here?” Jane asks hoarsely. She gets up awkwardly but sits down again quickly, clearly confused.

Karlie smiles but doesn’t answer. Instead she walks to the nearby table and takes a seat. She hadn’t really considered what she wanted to say to the girl before she walked through the door. She just knew she had to go, and now that she’s here it is clear to her that coming here was absolutely the right decision. She dares closing her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, clearing her mind while searching for the right words to say. 

“Why are you here?” Jane asks again, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

It suddenly dawns on Karlie why she came. The reason is just there, front and center in her mind, like a picture someone else hung up while she wasn’t paying attention. She knows exactly what to say now.

She nods briefly to herself before she says the words out loud.

“I forgive you.”


End file.
